Chuck Norris' face

Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

Chuck Norris doesn't sleep

Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.

Chuck Norris runs Windows

Chuck Norris runs Windows Vista on his Etch-a-Sketch.

Chuck Norris in high school

On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with Violence.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

Superman's pajamas

Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

Chuck Norris has a concealed weapon license in all 50 states

Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.

Chuck Norris has a concealed weapon license in all 50 states to legally wear pants.

Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar. His shirts get erections from touching his body.

Chuck Norris eats the core of an apple first.

Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

Why there are ghosts

Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.

Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.

Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.

Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano.

Chuck Norris is always on top during sex because Chuck Norris never fucks up.

Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.

Rain story

Flash fiction is the perfect way to read for our attention-less no-time society. All stories under 1,000 words. What's everyone so busy doing, anyway, that no one has time to read a damned book? Well, here's a super short story, you lazy bastard.

Rain

It is raining again. I need groceries. I have work later, but I can't go out. I'm made of sugar. You think that's funny? You've never been caught in a light drizzle and felt your face melt. I have. It's hideous. Nose dripping into chin, eyes drooping, one twice the size of the other. Nothing to do but bake a new one. Laugh. You think it's funny. Mom told me, life isn't always sweet. Not always.

--CL Bledsoe

Via.

doesn't need a boat

unicorns

dog of Chuck Norris

if Chuck Norris died

animal masks

For just milling about, doing whateva, or maybe best to pull it out of the closet exclusively for Halloween. Well, in case you don't have a Halloween costume and plan on doing something on Halloween that would require a costume.

Avail, $40.95
Lots available on Amazon as well, including this nifty unicorn mask:

By the way, reminds me of a little bad pun joke. What did the hat say to the hat rack? You stay here, I'll go on ahead.

Chuck Norris birthday

zombie hoodie

Maybe the easiest Halloween costume ever. Zips over face for full zombified effect. Also might be okay to wear for fun when it's not Halloween.

Avail, $50

block head lego costume

Create your own block head by buying the basic set, adding on your mouth expression, and accessories.

Avail, £30.95

Shop Pets Halloween - Best-Selling Pet Costumes

shark sushi plate

Thing to make:

Via, $70.
Also check out the sushi bazooka.

Louie CK

Order your own Louie C. K. finger puppet on Etsy. (If you send her a picture, she will also do a finger puppet of you, or anyone/thing else you want.)

Random facts about flying:

• On any given day, more than 87,000 flights travel through US.
• "The safest place to sit on a plane is in the middle of the back. Not too close to the exit because the people there get sucked out. And also because the planes often break in half. The front is the least safe. Which makes sense -there’s no way airlines could charge extra money for the safest seats" (Via, Via).
• It would be impossible for someone to open the exit doors while the plane is in flight because of the pressure.
• Real-time map of flights over the US.

keyboard cat painting

Via.

Play us out, for old time's sake, keyboard cat.