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Chuck Norris


Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.

Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.

Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.

Chuck Norris can speak braille.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.



Chuck Norris runs Windows Vista on his Etch-a-Sketch.

On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with Violence.



When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.


If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's fucking beef.

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.


Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.


Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.


Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. They bleed for a week as a result.

Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.

Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.

Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.

Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano.

Chuck Norris is always on top during sex because Chuck Norris never fucks up.

Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.


Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body.

Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

Chuck Norris eats the core of an apple first.

Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.